if I had the chance i would drop out now

If I knew what I knew 2 years ago, and if I wasnt involved with the baseball team at SU, I would seriously drop out. Yes Im sure you've heard this tons of times but consider it. . .

why do i go to college. . . you can come up with many answers but mine has come to be :

to develope a creativity to know what gives me a sense of wonder. Then with that inspiration, go out and do what happens inside of me. or also, to learn how to learn (more simply put, less powerful).

and that and every other experience out there that happens in college can be experienced outside of college. except i dont know where there is a public lab to use very expencive equipment for free.
But, all the ideas, books, community, encouragement, intellect, everything can be attained at the public library corner, and other various places, if you know where to look (thats another issue).
There is just the convienence of all those things happening in some way on some level at a University that makes it easier.

also something else to wonder. . .
what happens when we really learn. what happens inside of you when knoledge enters in?
I come from a family of eduators, and I am only begginging to understand the depth of eduation, though ive spent the last 3/4ths of my life in a desk.

Nice Beard

I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. For too long, every ounce of forgiveness I owned was locked away, hidden from view, waiting for me to bestow its precious presence upon some worthy person. Alas, I found most people to be singularly unworthy of my valuable forgiveness, and since they never asked for any, I kept it all for myself. Now, the forgiveness that I hoarded has sprouted inside my heart like a crippled seed yielding bitter fruit. No more. At this moment,

my life has taken on new hope and assurance. Of all the world’s population, I am one of the few possessors of the secret to dissipating anger and resentment. I now understand that forgiveness has value only when it is given away. By the simple act of granting forgiveness, I release the demons of the past about which I can do nothing, and I create in myself a new heart, a new beginning. I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit.

I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness. Many are the times when I have seethed in anger at a word or deed thrown into my life by an unthinking or uncaring person. I have wasted valuable hours imagining revenge or confusion. Now I see the truth revealed about this psychological rock inside my shoe. The rage I nurture is often one-sided, for my offender seldom gives thought to his offense. I will now and forevermore silently offer my forgiveness even to those who do not see that they need it. By the act of forgiving, I am no longer consumed by unproductive thoughts. I give up my bitterness. I am content in my soul and effective again with my fellow man.

I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive those who criticize me unjustly. Knowing that slavery in any form is wrong, I also know that the person who lives a life according to the opinion of others is a slave. I am not a slave. I have chosen my counsel.

I know the difference between right and wrong. I know what is best for the future of my family, and neither misguided opinion nor unjust criticism will alter my course. Those who are critical of my goals and dreams simply do not understand the higher purpose to which I have been called. Therefore, their scorn does not affect my attitude or action. I forgive their lack of vision, and I forge ahead. I now know that criticism is part of the price paid for leaping past mediocrity.

I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit. I will forgive myself. For many years, my greatest enemy has been myself. Every mistake, every miscalculation, every stumble I made has been replayed again and again in my mind. Every broken promise, every day wasted, every goal not reached has compounded the disgust I feel for the lack of achievement in my life.

My dismay has developed a paralyzing grip. When I disappoint myself, I respond with inaction and become more disappointed. I realize today that it is impossible to fight an enemy living in my head. By forgiving myself, I erase the doubts, fears, and frustration that have kept my past in the present. From this day forward, my history will cease to control my destiny.

I have forgiven myself.

My life has just begun.

I will forgive even those who do not ask for forgiveness.

I will forgive those who criticize me unjustly.

I will forgive myself.

I will greet this day with a forgiving spirit.

-- Abraham Lincoln

aaaaand I'm the 147,000 person to put this quote on their blog.

Re-examining (just a little)

I think I tried to make the last posting as hard to understand as I could have. BUt from here on out I'll try to make things clearer and keep things a little more in cheak.

From an issue of 'Crossings' by KYX last fall [from 'brothers abroad' section]:
[1]
I have truly missed my brothers in Christ from KYX. Thinking about Turkey-Fri and retreat and all the new fellas this year makes me pretty anxious to be home. But I try not to get lost in my thoughts of the past and future or I will be neglecting the great blessing God has given me in the time I have here. Learning to rely on God's strength and not depending on my own has illuminated Ephesians 3:20 for me. By discovering the gifts God has given in the solitude of the sanctuary within has allowed Him to do immeasurably more than I could imagine in China with his great power. I miss my family and friends very much but find peace in his grace daily.

and here is the one i submitted before our editor had a field day, feel free to skip (for my own comic relief):

[2]
Hello English, hello English, its good to speak you. What can I say in 50 word about my experiences abroad? It has been a journey this far and I still got about a month left. I have truly missed the brothers in Christ from KYX. Thinking about Turkey-Fri and retreat and all the new fellas this year makes me pretty anxious to be home. But I try not to get lost in my thouths of the past and future or I will be neglecting the great blessing God has given me in the time I have here. These are really exciting times and I have learned one of the good presents God gives us is the present. Learning how to truly trust him with everything and live in the present in the presence of God is truly a great present given by God - did I get all those "presents" right? Yes. Okay, so, living here has been a roller coaster of emotions, extreme pains and blessings. I find peace in that song that goes, .. da de da, "though theirs pain in the offering... Blessed be your name." Because there really is pain in offering your life to do things that are normaly not what you would do - like go to China. Learning how to find God's strenth and not depending on my own or brothers in Christ has illuminated Epesians 3:20 for me. By discovering the gifts God has given in the solitude of the sancuary within has allowed Him to do immeasurably more than I could imagine in China with his great power.
I miss my family and friends very much but find peace in his grace daily,

phew, thank you Matt Anthony for saving me from that.

So I'll read from the first one...
I'm not sure when I wrote this when I was in China last fall, but I can notice some eastern philosophy/thought influence already. It seems in the second sentence, "lost in my thoughts of the past and future or I will be neglecting the present time here" has a strong Chinese philosophy tone to it. You may know meditation has its foundation on the principal of becomming fully aware of your present surroundings while becomming very quiet - mind, body and soul. It seems I am working my Chinese philosophy into my spiritual language nicely. And then later I know after I wrote "in the solitude of the sanctuary within" was after my time studying taiji at WeiBaoShan, WeiShan mountain, but to explain that line is a whole-nother blog. . . .
After returting home I experienced what I later realized was normal for returning people who had an 'exposure' trip to another country: an intense dose of reverse-culture shock. In my struggle I found myself very confused and disoriented. I found it very hard to communicate with loved ones, and very difficult to express some of the knowledge I felt I had gained with the limited vocabulary I had to work with. WHat I come to understand now is that that confustion had a little to do with my identity in Christ (or my spiritual identity). I had no problem whatsoever in what I felt like my purpose was over there in China, but as soon as I came home clouds came out from everywhere. With the gained knowledge I was able to functon fine there. I was able to tell what Gods will was for me then, and able to carry it out without second guessing myself. BUT, when I returned home, things I learned there (specifically things related to what I experienced studying Chinese religion/philosophy and taiji) had all-of-the-sudden not worked themselves out in the life I tried to take on in America. They didn't translate well or cooperate with what I began to do here. They almost worked diametrically with everything I tried to do. -- I dont want to share too much of what I havent fully understood yet so I will stop here, and save you from further confusion. But anyways ...(long time later)... here, now in the present I have a different mindset of what I had then. Theres alot more to that story but this is just re-examining a little.

I also have much to say about my experience corn-huskin in Illinois but that will have to come later. I will say I got top-rookie making $1244 in 10 days and met some of the coolest people in the nation. I learned more than I would ever expected from the community I found there.